For years I've constantly reinvented myself based on parts of other people's personalities that I wish I had. I don't know why, it just feels like being myself would be unacceptable to both myself and to others. The problem is that now I don't even remember what I used to be like before this started. I hurt people around me that I care about because I cause and/or fabricate unnecessary drama so that they can't leave. The only person I've ever told about this was my ex-boyfriend who ended up telling me, after dating for two years, to stop contacting him anyway because he can't stand how crazy I am.
I lie about trivial things like where I am, where I was born, where I grew up, how I spell my middle name, etc and non-trivial things like who I actually am. I make a conscious decision to lie but I don't know why I lie. When I get a bad grade in a class or something else in my life goes wrong I blame myself regardless of what the actual cause may be and I go through uncontrollable rage, anxiety, and self pity episodes during which I hate myself so much that the only thing that fixes it is punching walls, destroying things, overdosing on a drug enough to hurt myself but not enough to kill myself, hurting myself in other ways like burning myself with caustic household cleaners and hitting myself with a hard object, drinking, chain smoking, etc. Sometimes I can get set off by something as small as making a typo while writing notes in pen. I go through these episodes in anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours but they almost never last more than a day, for instance I wake up the next morning feeling just fine and only resume hating myself if I'm presented with provocation again.
I always feel fat and ugly and unattractive despite the fact that I know other people don't think I am. I went through a period where I used ipecac syrup to throw up but that was mostly for the unpleasantness, the weight loss was just an added bonus. Other than that I've never induced vomiting but I can't comfortably eat in front of other people. I tend to refrain from eating until I'm alone and I don't eat anything with fat in it.
I'm very good at manipulating people and being passive aggressive. I'm terrified of confrontation so I just do things to them that will slowly eat at them until they fall apart. A lot of the things I do to other people are things that I know I should feel bad about and I feel guilty that I don't feel guilty.
I've been like this for a long time, probably since middle school but I feel like it's getting out of control even for me. I'm throwing away my chance at college because I'm so unstable that I can't manage my life well enough to get good grades like I used to or successfully make friends. I have a boyfriend up here but I can't get myself to hang out with his friends who are always inviting me to do things with them. I feel an overwhelming sense of anxiety at the thought of it for some reason and I can never get myself to go. I got diagnosed with ADHD meds about a year ago and am on Adderal which has helped me academically but not at all mentally.
I want to feel like a real person. I can't remember ever feeling like a real person. I also wish I didn't hate myself so much. Even things that I would have listed once as physical attributes I can't anymore because I've covered myself in scars all over from hurting myself. I want to die all the time but am too afraid to kill myself. I was just wondering if you have any idea what the hell is wrong with me? And can I ever get better?
It isn't possible in a forum like this to guess at a diagnosis or suggest treatment without being able to do a full psychological evaluation, including finding out as much as possible about your own past mental health history, and your family's mental health history. Any time you are having such intense feelings of harming yourself, and do actually cause physical injury, you need help to not only stop those feelings and behaviors because of the risk of suicide and accidentally worse harm than you intend, but to find other methods to relieve your constant distress.
As a WWU student, you have free access to the WWU Counseling Center (650-3164) for initial psychological evaluation, and brief therapy as a way to determine how best to refer you to a long term counselor off campus so that you can start to address how to make the changes you are clearly eager to make. Yes, it is very possible to get better and choose not to be self-destructive, to find hopefulness and solace without recreational drugs or self-injury, and to find relief from anxiety and depressive thoughts. It takes a commitment to work through the tough issues that may be underlying these symptoms.
The Student Health Center has mental health specialists who are able to work with the Counseling Center to help with diagnosis, and medication treatment, and ruling out physical causes for the psychological symptoms. You can set up a free appointment by calling 650-3400.
Another helpful on line resource of information can be found at http://www.psycheducation.org
The next move is yours--you have written to us without telling us who you are so we are ready to help you the minute you call.