Q:
The stress of finals is starting to manifest itself in strange ways. Rather than just dealing with school, my mind starts searching for other things to worry about. The most common theme is thinking about death--not mine, but those of my loved ones. My family are all in good health, but I have lately been thinking almost constantly about how horrible it will be when they do eventually die, and I feel like I'm becoming child-like in my need to be in constant communication with my mom (emailing and calling several times a day) because I'm scared of not taking advantage of every moment of her life. How can I get over this cycle of grieving before there is anything to grieve about? If my grief is so strong just thinking about the possibility of death, I often wonder how I will be able to handle it when someone dear does eventually pass. And why is typical school stress (normally something I handle well enough) causing this kind of problem?
A:
You are very correct that stress can cause anxiety that manifests itself in a number of ways, and in your case, it is causing you to have some compulsive thoughts about losing loved ones, and how that will affect your own life and identity, which is the essence of becoming adult in your own life, and separating from that familiar comfort and nurture that good family relationships bring to our lives.
First, celebrate that you do care enough about your studies to get stressed over your performance on finals. That is a good sign. Also celebrate your good family relationships that mean so much to you. Those are relationships that will influence your life positively even when you lose loved ones.
What you are experiencing is not grief, or even anticipatory grief, but anxiety over change, and your focus is on loss of people who reassure you, comfort you, and love you. Anxiety is normal but when it starts to adversely affect your sleep, your ability to focus and concentrate, is distracting you to the point of needing the reassurance of regular phone calls and emails, then it is starting to impair your functioning. If the thoughts and feelings you are having continue past finals when your stress is less and you are not able to reassure yourself without the calls and emails home, then it is best to review these feelings with a counselor to seek out some other coping strategies that will work for you to reduce your anxiety. Sometimes medication on a short term basis can also help to calm down obsessive thoughts and behaviors routed in anxiety.
Go easy on yourself. You are going through major transitions in your life and these are not always smooth roads to travel. Just asking the question as you did reassures me that you are a thoughtful and sensitive person who will weather this just fine, and the assistance of a counselor can be very helpful right now.
~The Doc
