How to Stop Obsessing About Your Ex*
1. Thought-Stopping. Practice 10 times daily. First, make a list of scenes, places, events that are totally pleasurable to you. These should not be associated with your ex. Next, think of the person you want to “fall out of love” with. The moment that the thought of that person enters your mind, yell “Stop.” Immediately reinforce yourself by thinking of the pleasurable memory.
How do you know it’s working? Keep a record with hash-marks.
What if I’m in public and can’t yell “stop”? Say it silently in your mind, or keep a rubber band on your wrist and give it a little snap, or picture a squeegee wiping over the image of your ex. This technique has to be practiced, and will become more effective as you use it.
2. Silent Ridicule. Use this only if you are positive you want to change the way you think about this person. This counteracts the tendency to idealize our “ex”. Design a scene in which the person looks, acts, or talks absurdly. Think about one of their flaws (everyone has them) and exaggerate it. Where would they look the silliest? Picture them in bad clothes or with a goofy hat. Practice thinking about this new image of your ex 3-5 times a day. When you see, talk to, or hear of that person, or start to think of them, especially when you are putting them on a pedestal, bring on the image.
If these techniques don’t work, you can intensify it another level by using:
3. Repulsion. Imagine a scene in which you are about to embrace the person you loved. When you get close to that person, image that they are covered in an obnoxious substance (vomit, excrement, etc.). Turn away from that person, and image a fresh, clean, beautiful scene to reinforce yourself for turning away. Any time you see this person, or feel a longing for this person, use this imagery.
4. Positive Iimage Building
Shift from reactive negative thoughts to proactive positive thoughts. Write two positive things about yourself every day on small note cards. Use positive assertion with others to give compliments, express thanks, offer an opinion, give others the gift of your smile and attention. Use the “thought-stopping” technique to wipe out self-critical thoughts.
*From How to Fall Out of Love by Debora Phillips
Recommended Reading
Fisher, B. & Alberti, R. (2000) Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends. Atascadero, California: Impact Publishers.
Kingma, D.R. (2000) Coming Apart. Berkeley, California: Conari Press.
Phillips, D. (1978) How to Fall out of Love. Boston: Warner Books.