Surviving a Break-up, Falling out of Love
How can something that made me so happy now cause so much pain? One of the greatest fears about ending a relationship is that our feelings of loss, rejection, hurt, loneliness, and pain will be overwhelming and unbearable and we will never get over it. Another fear people commonly express is that they will never love or be loved again, that they will never be known as deeply by another person.
Remember the Stages of Grief?
When a relationship is lost, you may go through emotional processes similar to those we experience with the death of a loved one. The difference with a romantic relationship, however, is that the resolution is messier—often during the process we are plagued with thoughts of doubt—thoughts about trying again or getting him/her back.
These stages might include:
Shock/Denial: “This can’t be happening”.
Anger: “You can’t leave me. How could you do this to me?”
Guilt: “I feel so bad to have caused this hurt.” or “It’s all my fault.”
Bargaining: “I’ll do anything—just come back to me.”
Depression/Loneliness: “I can’t stop crying. I feel like a total wreck.”
Acceptance and Hope: “It’s really over.”
How to survive the pain: Acknowledge that the day will come when you will feel better. Rely on habits and old friends—try to maintain a regular routine.
—sleep, exercise, healthy food, don’t numb out with alcohol or marijuana. Let others support you and find ways to spend time with others. Surround yourself with the things you enjoy. Start something new—a class, a hobby, an AS club. Put away the reminders and the pictures. Avoid the places (for the time being) that were “special”. Write a “poison pen letter”, letting out everything you’ve been feeling, no holds barred...or a a letter of forgiveness. Keep these private—they are a private communication just for you. Discover parts of yourself that you set aside during the relationship and nourish them.
Some questions you might ask yourself:
• What did I like about myself in this relationship?
• What did I learn about giving to someone else?
about receiving from someone else?
What were the conflicts in this relationship—what needs of mine were not being met? What needs of my partner were not met? (Avoid assuming that all needs should be met by your partner).
• What was your first clue to the problem that would eventually end the relationship?
Are you done processing? Are you ready to move on and stop thinking about it?