Surviving a Break-up, Falling out of Love
Fearing the End
One of the greatest fears about ending a relationship is that our feelings of loss, rejection, hurt, loneliness, and pain will be overwhelming and unbearable and we will never get over it. Another fear people commonly express is that they will never love or be loved again or that they will never be known as deeply by another person.
Coping with the Loss of Your Relationship
Losing a relationship can sometimes feel like you’ve experienced a death of a loved one. The difference with a romantic relationship, however, is that the resolution is messier—often during the process we are plagued with thoughts of doubt—thoughts about trying again or getting him/her back. These stages might include:
- Shock/Denial: “This can’t be happening”.
- Anger: “You can’t leave me. How could you do this to me?”
- Guilt: “I feel so bad to have caused this hurt,” or “It’s all my fault.”
- Bargaining: “I’ll do anything—just come back to me.”
- Depression/Loneliness: “I can’t stop crying. I feel like a total wreck.”
- Acceptance and Hope: “It’s really over.”
How to Survive the Pain
- Acknowledge that the day will come when you will feel better
- Spend time with friends
- Try to maintain your regular routine
- Take care of yourself – exercise, get enough sleep, eat healthy foods, and don’t numb out with alcohol or marijuana
- Surround yourself with the things you enjoy
- Start something new—join a club, join a gym, start a new hobby
- Put away the reminders and the pictures
- Avoid the places (for the time being) that were “special”
- Write a letter letting out everything you’ve been feeling or a letter of forgiveness
- Discover parts of yourself that you set aside during the relationship and nourish them
Some Questions You Might Ask Yourself
- What did I like about myself in this relationship?
- What did I learn?
- What were the conflicts in this relationship—what needs of mine or my partner’s were not being met? (Avoid assuming that all needs should be met by your partner).
- What were your first clues to the problem that would eventually end the relationship?
Remember
The healing process can take time, so be patient with yourself. And, don’t hesitate to ask for support from others – whether it’s a friend, family member, or a counselor.